marriage

Questions to Ask When I Want to Do It All But Can’t

~ Lisa Naeger Shea ~ Leave a comment

juggling-balls

As I continue purging possessions in a quest to de-clutter our home, I’ve also been taking inventory of how I spend my time. It’s a logical next step. Once our home becomes the bastion of serenity I’m envisioning, it would be nice to slow down long enough to enjoy it.

In the process I’ve created and crumpled various lists, spreadsheets, and diagrams in an effort to identify and rank my priorities. What I found is that life is messy. And while I can use calendars and lists and promises to say “no” in an effort to take control of my time, I’ve come to the conclusion that a life well-lived requires a high tolerance for detours and a willingness to accept that some seasons of that well-lived life will require, as a friend often says, “stuffing five pounds of sugar in a four-pound sack.” To extend the metaphor, right now I feel head-to-toe covered in sugar. But, heck, I love sugar!

While I’ve yet to master cutting back on how much I do, one perk of getting older is that I have gotten better at whittling away the things that drain my emotional energy. These are commitments made for the wrong reasons that leave me feeling like a maniac trying to jam a square peg into a round hole. Or that put me in social situations where I feel like a square peg surrounded by round pegs.

These poor decisions always stem from improper discernment. When I say “yes” because the request comes from someone I like and don’t want to disappoint.  When I think the cause is important and assume if I don’t do it no one else will, or they won’t do it as well. When I simply forget to take time to breath and think and pray before responding.

So instead of mapping out my Areas of Interest and Circles of Responsibility, in lieu of listing and ranking my Top Five Priorities, I developed some discernment questions.

For social opportunities:

  • Am I likely to experience physical/emotional rejuvenation or depletion?
  • Will I be among people who bring out the authentic (and best) me?

For personal development opportunities:

  • Am I likely to experience spiritual and/or intellectual growth?
  • If so, will that growth help me better serve my family, my employer, others?

For volunteer/service opportunities:

  • Is this a good fit for my time and talent, or might someone else be better suited?
  • Will what I’d be doing somehow rejuvenate not only me but also those I’ll be serving?

For all:

  • Will anyone else, especially my family, have to make sacrifices in order for me to do this? If so, have we discussed it and come to an agreement that everyone feels good about?
  • The most important question of all: Have I prayed and given God time to guide my decision?

I’d love to hear how you sort through the various opportunities that compete for your attention!

Why I broke Up with (Most) Magazines

~ Lisa Naeger Shea ~ 4 Comments

jessica-alba

My love affair with magazines began in Ms. Burghart’s first grade classroom. I looked forward to Fridays, when we took turns reading aloud from the Scholastic Weekly Reader, THE source for kid-friendly news and feature stories.

In third grade, I discovered Dynamite, a slick-covered mag featuring pop culture, games and contests. I acquired every issue, along with Encyclopedia Brown, Box Car Children and other paperbacks, from Scholastic book order forms.

magsBy sixth grade, I’d discovered Tiger Beat. After reading the articles, I carefully pried back staples to release posters of Shaun Cassidy, Scott Biao, and Andy Gibb. A month was an eternity, waiting for the next issue to arrive.

cosmos

In eighth grade, a more-worldly friend introduced me to her mom’s Cosmopolitan stash. This catapulted us way beyond pop culture and teen heartthrobs into what real women must do to look, smell and feel sexy. Sadly, Cosmo and similar magazines remained our guidebooks throughout high school.

I didn’t read much outside of textbooks during college, but once I graduated and got a place of my own, I inhaled all the checkout staples that promised to help me organize, decorate, cook, plant, bake, lose weight, and flatten my stomach. Marriage and family led to Parents Magazine and House Beautiful subscriptions, plus countless childcare and home decor catalogs.

FotorCreated

Looking back, it really did go downhill after Dynamite.

Nearly every post-puberty magazine article I read told me I wasn’t good enough, and then offered guaranteed solutions to fix me. They set impossibly high standards in my mind for what constituted a perfect mate, career, home, meal, child…and a perfect me.

I’ve since replaced these magazines with only those that help me grow spiritually or intellectually. But recently, fashion and lifestyle magazines began appearing in our mailbox. (I suspect a daughter accepted some free offer while online shopping.)

In a moment of boredom, I grabbed the February issue of Better Homes & Gardens and read “At Home with Jessica Alba.” The teaser read, “She juggles several careers, nurtures a marriage, and together with husband Cash Warren is raising two daughters. Take a peek inside this eco-entrepreneur, model, and actress’ joyfully busy and surprisingly normal life.”

“My day starts early with yoga or spinning,” Jessica Alba says. Then it’s off to back-to-back meetings at the company she founded shortly after the birth of her first child. But she tries to be home for bedtime stories and some TV time with the hubby. She loves to cook healthy meals but confesses to having healthy food delivered when she just can’t do it herself.

Photos show a beautiful and perfectly put together Alba in a floor length dress, playing with her children in a family room artfully scattered with board games and puzzles, and a wall hanging that holds about four dozen organic herb plants. Another photo shows her lounging with her dogs. Her outfit and even her pets perfectly match the room décor.

Fotorperfect

You go, girlfriend. But BH&G editors, please don’t tell us she has a surprisingly normal life. Or if she does, your writers and photographers certainly didn’t capture it.

At least now, with the wisdom that comes with age, I can walk away from such articles feeling just fine about my family, my home, my career, and my beautifully imperfect, surprisingly normal life.

 

I’m No Damsel in Distress, But My Knight Still Makes Me Swoon

~ Lisa Naeger Shea ~ 1 Comment

knight-

Last night, my husband and I went to dinner. Nothing fancy. Just a bar & grill near home that we enjoy. It was chilly, so when we arrived he pulled up near the door and let me out before parking the car.

After our meal, he held my jacket while I slipped into it. Not surprisingly, he also held the door as we left the restaurant, and then the car door, too.

I’m a strong, independent woman who, together with the above-mentioned husband, is raising three strong, independent daughters. Heck, the four of us even attended a high school that prides itself on cranking out Empowered Women.

So I’m perfectly capable of walking across cold parking lots, opening doors, and putting on coats. I suppose I could take offense at my husband’s old-fashioned gestures. But I don’t. I cherish them.

When we began dating, these little courtesies gave me a glimpse into the way he was raised. I admit I was impressed. Having good manners definitely gave him an edge over other college suitors.

Now, after more than a quarter century together, I interpret his chivalry as much more than just a sign of his proper upbringing. Rather, it tells me that, though he knows I’m capable, he still wants to pamper me. He still wants to lighten my load. He still wants to go out of his way for me. I feel the same way, and I try to find little ways to pamper him, too.

We’re at a point now when parenting three females means meeting a variety of young males. It’s been interesting to see the differing levels of chivalry they demonstrate. Again, we feel it gives us some insight to how they’re being raised, and a sense of how they will treat our daughters in general.

I hope our girls recognize and value the niceties they’ve seen their father extend to me, and that they appreciate men who do the same for them, even if they are perfectly capable of doing those things themselves.